Screw WrestleMania, fuck Supercard of Honor and forget about Evolve. The real star attraction for this year’s WrestleMania Weekend was Joey Janela’s Spring Break 2. Open a beer (or maybe two) and let’s have some fun.
Eli Everfly defeated Teddy Hart, Gringo Loco, DJZ, Kyle The Beast and Tony Deppen
Teddy Hart as a surprise booking is the best way to use Teddy Hart. Then if he doesn’t show up no one is upset. I was also delighted to see Kyle The Beast again. Has he had to move from the woods to the swamp for the weekend? Are there woods near New Orleans? I have been there, but I can’t remember.
I’m going to have to avoid the temptation to call this match a clusterfuck because that’s still to come. However, that’s what it was.
I will say that despite being a twat, Teddy Hart is spectacular. He doesn’t give a shit about psychology or his opponents, but damn does he hit some incredible moves. It’s just a shame that he looks so bored while doing it. There was also a moment where everyone took it in turns to dive over the top and, despite being in the vicinity for each one, Hart didn’t bump once. It’s almost genius in its lack of giving a fuckery. All that and I haven’t touched on his gear. What the hell is he wearing?
While it’s easy to focus on Hart, this match ended with Eli Everfly hitting a Double Underhook Canadian Destroyer from the top rope so he might not have even been the most mental thing in it. That’s how you do an opener.
Verdict: Teddy Hart’s Gear
Matt Riddle defeated James Ellsworth
In a fantastic touch, they billed this as champion vs champion. NOW KNOCK THE CHINLESS FUCK OUT, RIDDLE!
Ellsworth attacked Riddle from behind and hilariously started working the leg. It didn’t last too long thankfully as Riddle soon started beating the crap out of him. Poor Ellsworth learnt that any man with two hands can eat a lot of suplexes before they break.
In my favourite spot of the weekend, Riddle went for the big knee and missed. He missed because Ellsworth doesn’t have a chin. That actually happened.
The Chinless Wonder hit a couple of superkicks and got himself a two-count. He got cocky, though, and tuned up the band for the third. Two seconds later he was tapping to the Bromission.
I’m a bit sad this didn’t end with what remains of Ellsworth’s chin being driven through the top of his head. However, they did exactly what they wanted to do, and everyone had a lovely time.
Virgil arrived, but I have no idea what he’s said. I’d be surprised if he knows. It ended with someone having to ask him to leave the ring over the house mic. That was weird. Wait, what am I saying, all of this is weird.
PCO defeated WALTER
PCO is a scary man. You know who is scarier? WALTER. The Ring General gave PCO one last chance to go backstage and not be murdered. Unsurprisingly, the nutter didn’t take it.
PCO’s chest didn’t turn red during this. It went black. How do you chop a man so hard that his chest turns black? Was his flesh dying? Did his old man body just decide to give up?
I don’t think anyone expected things to get as violent as they did. I thought we’d get a few minutes of them brawling before WALTER put him away. PCO just kept coming back, though. He went through insanity and out the other end. At one point, that 50-year-old man hit a moonsault to the outside. I mean what the fuck was he thinking? It was atrocious. He nearly landed on his head. AND STILL, HE KEPT GOING!
WALTER followed up by powerbombing him through a table and guess what? He kept going. We’ve entered a surreal alternate reality where PCO is the hardest man on the planet. He actually went chop for chop with WALTER at one point and followed up with a fucking suicide dive. I’m done. This is the best wrestling match of all time.
I might have been done, but the crazy old bastard wasn’t. There was a top rope Hurricanrana. There was a Finlay Roll, followed by a freaking split-legged moonsault. Again, it was atrocious, but the bastard did it. Then he fucking won with a Swanton from the top rope. Wrestling is incredible.
Verdict: Pierre Motherfucking Carl Ouellet!
Nick Gage defeated Penta El 0M to retain the GCW Title
Ah good, we’re going to follow up that madness with something a bit calmer… I have a feeling these two could have just made gang signs at each other for the duration of the match and people would have been happy.
They have an aura of badassery that draws you into things. Part of you knows that it’s all a work and that they aren’t really going after each other. However, another part of you sees them trying to destroy each other and wonders whether just a little bit of it is real.
This was a fight, there’s no other way to describe it. It wasn’t long until Gage was burst open from Penta smacking him around the head with a door which he’d thrown him through shortly beforehand. He later tried to dive off the barrier to put him through a table and just bounced off, the table not even appearing to crack from the impact. Penta’s not a small bloke, that must have hurt.
Nothing about this was pretty. Everything about it was sloppy, violent fun. If you’ve got this far into me drunkenly reviewing this show without giving up in disgust, you’ll probably enjoy it.
David Starr defeated Mike Quackenbush
WALTER is commentating on David Starr vs Mike Quackenbush, the vibe has changed drastically.
In saying that, I adore that these two came out among this insanity at 2 am local time and had a goddamn wrestling match. Quack did what Quack does while Starr was having the time of his life, delighted to have gotten his dream match. Meanwhile, WALTER was calling it straight with just the occasional jibe at Starr thrown in for storyline purposes.
They started simple, with Quackenbush outdoing Starr on the mat, excelling at the simple stuff. All of which seemed to just wind Starr up. He suddenly snapped, hitting a couple of Death Valley Drivers into the corner. The mutual respect was gone, and it became clear that while this might be Starr’s dream match, it wasn’t going to stop him trying to fuck Quack up.
That brought the serious side of Mike Quackenbush out. This was no longer an exhibition, so he wanted to hurt Starr. We went from having a friendly wrestling match to having a stiff one instead. Quite frankly, it was great.
In the end, Starr deflected a superkick and responded with the Han Stansen for the win. I’m not sure where this fits in with the other stuff, but it was a really fun wrestling match.
The Invisible Man won the Clusterfuck
I don’t know how to review this, a lot happened. I think you’ll just have to watch it to get the full effect.
The simplest way to put it is that it veered from being one of the worst things I’ve ever seen to one of the best. The commentary was atrocious as at least two members of the booth (including Ron Funches) seemed to be fucked up on something and didn’t really know what was going on. However, that only seemed to add to the surreal vibe of the whole thing. I mean, the Invisible Man won, who cares about the commentary?
Highlights included Orange Cassidy taking half an hour to get the ring, Swoggle going Brock Lesnar on everyone, Chris Dickinson coming out to ‘Real American’ and fucking everyone up and Dan Severn coming face to face with Doink The Clown. I wasn’t on drugs during any of this, but it damn well felt like it.
It went far too long and had an overweight Mikey Whipwreck hitting a Frankensteiner. However, if you went into this match expecting anything less then you hadn’t done your research. It was well and truly a clusterfuck.
Joey Janela defeated The Great Sasuke
Chris Dickinson joined the commentary where he managed to say The Great Sasuke about twenty times in under two minutes.
Early on, Sasuke was sitting cross-legged while Janela kept kicking him at which point he’d just kip back up to his seated position. He then hypnotised Janela and got him to spike himself on his head because, you know, why not?
We then got a genuinely insane spot. Sasuke attempted to Swanton Janela on a ladder, Janela moved, Sasuke went headfirst into the ladder and rolled through with it around his neck. That was mental. What the fuck? Joey figured the best way to follow that was with an inflatable alligator assisted big splash.
Up next, a powerbomb onto back to back chairs. These weren’t standard steel chairs, either. They looked like theatre chairs which did not give as poor Joey bounced off them.
Sasuke followed up by grabbing a bunch of doors, and I’m going to shock you all by telling you Joey got chucked through one. They are doing stuff in between the insanity, but it’s just there to fill in the gaps. Joey hit a DVD on the apron and shouted fuck Jim Cornette, I liked that. Then he did a Somersault Senton from the top rope to the floor where Sasuke was sitting on a chair. Sasuke moved. I liked that too, I doubt Janela did.
Penelope distracted Sasuke with a sexy dance and Sasuke joined it. It was hot. Sadly, Janela broke it up because we needed to continue with the silly wrestling match. Oh shit, Sasuke got a giant bin and climbed to the top rope. The foreign object was not cooperating (Janela was on a table below him by the way, did I mention that?) and thankfully he gave up on it and just threw it at Janela. Then he did a Swanton, missed Joey and bounced off the table. At this point, I wouldn’t have bet against him being dead.
Janela made sure of it by doing a Michinoku Driver to the side of a ladder followed by a Double Stomp on to a chair. Let’s just breathe a sigh of relief that no one died.
They did a lot of stupid shit, but let’s not pretend we didn’t tune in to see them do a lot of stupid shit. God, wrestling is mental.
Verdict: Sasuke’s Dead!
As if that wasn’t good enough, we ended with Sasuke and Janela singing Bon Jovi together. Maybe I accidentally did end up taking those drugs.
Was this a good wrestling show? No. It was far too long, the production was all over the place and the word Clusterfuck refers to more than just the match.
Was it good entertainment? Damn right. It had a little bit of everything with even the flaws making me laugh. Do not watch it sober and certainly don’t go in expecting anything except madness. If you do that, you’ll have a blast. Oh, and thanks for reading my attempt to review this. If you ever meet me, I’ll buy you a drink to say sorry.