WrestleMania 33

The best time of year.

It’s mid-February and WrestleMania season is well and truly swinging. We already have one confirmed match and the next few weeks should see the card begin to be fleshed out. So, I’m going to have some fun. Before WWE ruins everything by booking a load of crap here is the show that I would have broadcast around the world on April 2nd.

Andre The Giant Battle Royale

Let’s get Itami on the main roster.

I don’t think anyone cares about this Battle Royale, but it’s a good way to kick off the show. I liked having Corbin win it last year, so I’d do something similar this time around. Hideo Itami is apparently fit, and it’s time to get him out of NXT (before he gets injured again), and this would be a good way to kick off his main roster career. Why not give him the win and then have Raw and SmackDown compete for his services? Make him seem important.

Neville (C) vs. Tozawa for the Cruiserweight Championship

This man is good.

In a perfect world, I’d have this on the main card, but with WWE’s three-hour long pre-show they are going to need more than one match. I hate having a title defended on the pre-show, but there’s just no room for it. The important thing is that it’s a singles match with a story. Tozawa is brilliant, and Neville is working as a heel. These two have to go head to head eventually, and WrestleMania is the perfect place to do it. Plus, this match could be incredible. Give them ten minutes and enjoy the magic.

Sami Zayn (C) vs. Samoa Joe for the US Title

Sami just loves getting beat up.

I don’t know how you get the US Title to Sami Zayn before ‘Mania, but considering his history with Jericho and Owens, I don’t think it would be too hard. Unfortunately, it would be a short run for Zayn, as I want him to do exactly what he did last year against Nakamura down in NXT. I want him to make Joe look like a star. Give these two men fifteen minutes, and they’ll steal the show, and anyone who didn’t believe in Samoa Joe will do so by the end.

Gallows & Anderson  (C) vs. Cesaro & Sheamus for the Raw Tag Team Championships in a Tornado Tag No DQ Match

There’s nothing better than hard-hitting wrestling.

This feud might feel a bit old by the time ‘Mania comes around, but it’s the best option for the belts at the moment. All four of these men hit hard so let them go out and hit each other hard. It doesn’t really matter who wins, it will be all about the journey.

Dean Ambrose (C) vs. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kalisto vs. Apollo Crews vs. Baron Corbin for the IC Title in a Ladder Match

A flying lunatic.

WWE loves a multi-man ladder match and, let’s be honest, they are a lot of fun. These six men are talented and have all mixed it up over the last year so let’s send them out there and have them cause chaos. It’s the perfect chance to get the belt on Corbin who deserves it, but in reality, this is about people falling off ladders.

American Alpha (C) vs. The Usos for the SmackDown Tag Team Championships

Gotta love those Alphas.

SmackDown has been holding off on this feud for months, and with ‘Mania incoming it’s time to light the fuse. They’re the best teams on the brand, and you could make an argument for them being the best teams outside of NXT. The Usos have done a good job since their heel turn and Alpha could have a decent match with anyone so let’s make magic.

Bayley (C) vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

This should be the dominant image going into ‘Mania.

This should have been the match where Bayley won the title after a year’s build where she consistently fell just short. It would have been a beautiful moment, and I would have popped like a motherfucker. Instead, she is already champion (although in reality, does anyone think Charlotte won’t win it back at Fastlane?) This will be a great match no matter what happens, but damn, the story could have been so much better.

Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg

Fight big fuckers fight.

No belt and no gimmicks, just two big fuckers beating the crap out of each other. Lesnar has to win and begin his redemption because Goldberg will presumably be riding into the sunset after this. Let’s just hope it’s better than their last ‘Mania match.

Alexa Bliss (C) vs. Mickie James vs. Nikki Bella vs. Becky Lynch

Straight Fire.

I’d like to have a straight up singles match between Mickie and Becky, but I don’t know how you get there before WrestleMania. I know WWE wants to have Naomi going into her home state as champ, but she’s the weak link in that picture at the moment so I’d let Nikki take her spot in what might be her final WrestleMania match. This isn’t as attractive as the Raw Women’s match, but it could potentially be a sleeper success.

John Cena vs. AJ Styles

I can see the money.

AJ Styles vs. John Cena has been one of the feuds of the year, and it deserves to have the final chapter (where AJ wins) at WrestleMania. These two seem to put on instant classics every time they step in the ring, and I can’t imagine that would change at the Biggest Show of them All. Just let them do their thing.

Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker

The Deadman defends his year.

This match would need to be short. ‘Taker looks old and as good as Reigns is I don’t know if he’s good enough to carry the Dead Man to a decent match. Have Reigns cheat to win, cementing the heel turn that will have been started by this feud. I’d also want it to be Undertaker’s last match, but sadly I don’t think we’ll get that.

Bray Wyatt (C) vs. Luke Harper vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Title

The Eater of Titles.

Harper wins the Battle Royale, and Orton decides to enter the match to defend Wyatt. I’d have Wyatt or Harper win, but WWE will have Orton sadly. Is this the best match SmackDown could have? Of course not, I spoke about that match two entries up. However, credit where it’s due, they have built to this for months, and WrestleMania is the perfect place to pay it off.

Kevin Owens (C) vs. Chris Jericho for the Universal Title

The Owens I love is back.

Talking about building to things for months. Owens vs. Jericho needs to be for the title, and it needs to close out the show. It also needs to end with Owens destroying Jericho and going back to being the heel we all know he can be. Jericho and Owens have done incredible work over the last few months, and while I haven’t always agreed with their booking, they have earned the chance to close WrestleMania.

Closing Thoughts

There are a lot of matches on this card, but with the brand split, I don’t know how to avoid it. It’s my belief that every title should be defended at WrestleMania and not on the kick-off show and yet sadly I’ve had to put the Cruiserweight Title there.

There are also some people missing; Braun Strowman and Shane McMahon being the obvious ones. I can’t figure out where to put Strowman so I’d rather not use him than waste him. He could also be an option to win the Andre Battle Royal. While Shane quite frankly shouldn’t be wrestling at a major show in 2017.

In my opinion, this would be a long show but an incredible one.

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