It’s time for Spring Break 3 Part 2 and, believe it or not, I am sober! Whether that remains the case by the end of the show, remains to be seen. Let’s do this shit.
Jungle Boy defeated Joey Janela
One of the beautiful things about Spring Break is that no-one is in that venue on a quest for intricate wrestling. Wrestlers can go out there and put on matches custom made to piss off Rip Rogers. They’re a pain in the arse to review because the temptation to devolve into listing moves is strong, but I’m a fan all the same.
How good is Penelope Ford by the way? Janela’s matches always have that moment where she pops in, does a load of awesome shit and then pops out again. Big fan. Anyway, in the end, they went on an insane sequence of no-selling before Jungle Boy tapped Janela out to leave him 0-2 on his own show. What a pro.
Verdict: Joey does the job
LAX (Santana and Ortiz) defeated The Rock ‘N’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson)
I love that Cornette’s boys are wrestling on this show. It’s made even better by The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express having a combined age of 122 and still strapping those working boots on to impress. I was surprised that Ricky Morton was letting Ortiz Powerslam him, was caught off-guard when he hit a Sunset Flip and then popped out my seat when he connected with a Canadian Destroyer. He wasn’t done either, diving through the ropes to wipe LAX out.
Credit to LAX too. They worked a hell of an unselfish match, slipping into the heel role and letting Morton and Gibson shine. You could see how careful they were being, making sure to not crash too hard into their ageing opponents. It left you wishing that the legends were just a bit younger because these teams could have headlined shows all across New York once upon a time. Still, they turned back the clock for a few minutes and earned the ovation the fans gave them.
Post-match, Santana got watery eyed talking about how much this meant to him which was a lovely moment.
Verdict: Rock and roll
LA Park defeated Masato Tanaka
The floor for this one was insane while the ceiling was three deaths (with none of them being the demise of Tanaka or LA Park). It didn’t take long for the action to descend into a brawl and from there it was no surprise to see a couple of those doors GCW is so fond of appear.
Park and Tanaka delivered the kind of violent wrestling that becomes gruelling to watch. You could feel every blow as they laid into each other. Poor Tanaka ended up going through two of those doors with the only thing that looked more painful than the Powerbomb through the first being the Spear through the second.
Thankfully, they were smart and kept the match short. It was fun while it lasted, but any more would have quickly felt excessive. Sadly, no-one died, but the 53-year-old and the 46-year-old in the ring will have woke up the next day feeling it.
The Greatest Clusterfuck ended in a no-contest
Ron Funches has joined commentary, so that’s going to suck. He was awful last year. Anyway, a glance at the time suggests this is going to go long while I have no idea how I’m going to review it. Fuck it. I’m just going to type along to the action.
Holy shit, I forgot Necro Butcher was going to be here. He’s out first and tosses Bryce out of the ring which got announced as an elimination. Fuck, Necro looks old. He’s kicking things off with Nick Gage who, despite going to jail and doing the MDK thing, is about a tenth as hard as Butcher is.
Ugh, GCW needs to stop booking Shlak the Nazi. Fuck him. They also sent a guy with a rubber chicken down to get beat up. I think his name was Georgie Boy, but don’t quote me on that. It’s time for Nate Webb, who (along with Marko Stunt) is playing himself to the ring. Oh wait, it’s over. MJF attacked Webb mid-song.
There is wrestling happening, but the focus has switched to Sexxxy Eddie and Joey Ryan rubbing baby oil on themselves. Jesus, Sexy Eddie has had his towel removed and appears only to have his hands protecting his junk. He hit a nude Moonsault before getting rolled up.
Meanwhile, Brian Pilman Jr should have eliminated himself by diving over the top rope, but it looks like there’s a cool dive amendment to the standard rule. Or no-one can be arsed to tell him to leave. Haha, two guys were setting up a spot, but Nerco shoved one of them out the way and forced them to rework it because he wanted a rest in the corner. He’s fucking shattered, but still making an effort to attack any ref that enters the ring.
Shit, Teddy Hart’s carrying that poor cat out with him. Someone take it off him. He’s walking around a ring full of fucking nutters holding an innocent cat. Oh, thank fuck, Homicide coming down convinced Hart to give the cat to someone else. I’m terrified he’s going to throw it in the air again. Cryme Tyme ended up brawling with Teddy Hart and Homicide (yes, really). Yay, the Nazi is finally gone. There is still a worryingly long time to go in this match. They better have some stuff planned.
The guy from Wheatus turned up and eliminated MJF. It wasn’t good. Facade, meanwhile, walked the ropes to hit a 450 (it might have had some extra rotation actually) to the floor, but somehow managed to miss every single one of the 100 people in this match at the moment. He survived, so that was good.
Necro lives in the corner now, and everyone is leaving him to it. Every five minutes or so he goes for a wander and punches someone. Elsewhere, Arik Cannon is wandering around helping out where he can. One second he’s catching people doing dives, the next he’s having a chinwag with Butcher.
Rumours tell me that Kyle the Beast is great now, despite being called Kyle The Beast. I assume Beast doesn’t have the same connotations in America as it does in the UK? It’s not a name you would choose to give yourself. He’s fighting it out with Caveman Ugg, the second best wrestling caveman.
Bloody hell, Crowbar just did a Flipping Leg Drop and a Super Hurricanrana. How do all these old wrestlers keep going? We are deep into nostalgia now as Grizzly Redwood turns up. Hm, that’s a very niche nostalgia, isn’t it? I have a vivid memory of watching him wrestle Mike Bennet in ROH. No idea why. Would have been the HDNet era. NWO Sting walked through the curtain looking knackered. Amazingly, he wrestled in Korakuen earlier this year. The relics keep coming as Tracy Smothers and Mantaur are the next two out. I like to call for wrestling murders, but I’m a bit worried someone is going to have a heart attack.
Essa Rios joined the, em, legend entrants while Necro is finally gone. I’m surprised he can still walk. Suddenly, a gang of women have turned up, and this is presumably the conclusion of the story they’ve been working on Twitter where Janela had refused to book a bunch of them. They’re storming the ring and beating the shit out of the guys, ha, that’s cool. It’s Su Yung, Solo Darling, Session Moth, Allie Kat, Shazza McKenzie, Maria Manic and Ashley Vox. There might be some others. Keeping track is hard. They destroyed Frank The Clown which is the biggest face move possible (he’s supposed to be a lovely guy, but dressing as a clown to go to wrestling shows is still weird).
Oh shit, they’ve got light tubes and are going all Takeda on Jimmy Lloyd. Poor Jimmy, he’s taken a murdering for the Spring Break. Now Chris Dickinson is going through a couple of tables. It’s made all the better by Session Moth getting drunk and having a lovely time in the background of all this chaos. The show went off the air with the women choking Janela in the ropes while posing.
Well, that was a fucking match and a half. You can’t review this shit. For one thing, it went for over an hour and a half. There were terrific bits, surreal bits, boring bits and downright awful bits. It was well and truly a clusterfuck.
Night one was the superior wrestling show by a long way, but if you’re looking for that unhinged Spring Break insanity, then night two will tick your buttons. Plus, there was some good wrestling sprinkled on top of all that. These shows, guys. They’re fucking unhinged.