It’s time for my final WrestleMania Weekend review because, well, I’ve got to stop somewhere. However, I’ve decided to go out on a high. Blackcraft Pro’s show has been widely derided as the worst of the weekend, and I’ve been drinking for a few hours, so I can’t resist that temptation. It happened in the early hours of Saturday morning, so I am very intrigued to see if this is as awful as I’ve heard, or if the reviews were the result of tired bodies.
Okay, we opened to the No Apologies logo and the sound of the commentators having a chat. Considering this was an after dark show, starting it late was a ballsy move.
When things did get going, The Preacher (who I think is an authority figure) came out to welcome everyone to the show. Apparently, they were in sight of Gotham City? Gotham is supposed to be in New Jersey, but it’s still a bold claim. Is Blackcraft part of DC’s canon? One suspects DC would say no. anyway, as I’ve been figuring that out, he’s started crucifying someone. They nailed a ‘fan’s’ hands to a cross. I love a bit of Satan, but this is some lame Attitude Era shit. What the fuck is going on?
G-Raver defeated A Nazi in a Devil’s Den match
As the first match is going on our crucifixion victim is still hanging from his cross. Meanwhile, there was a fucking Nazi in the ring, so that’s not good.
Normally I would skip this match because fuck that guy, but I’m so intrigued by this train wreck I decided to sit it out. It wasn’t good. There was a spot where Shlak put a plastic bag on G-Raver’s head. Now, unless G-Raver is six months old, I’m pretty sure he could have shoved his pinky through it and dealt with that problem pretty quickly.
My knowledge of American deathmatch wrestling is limited, so I don’t know if either of these men are considered good (although, again, Nazi, fuck that cunt), but this wasn’t. As a human being, I am biased against Shlak, but he was awful. He looked awkward as hell and utterly failed to go through the contraption he’d set up for the final spot. No-one will remember it as a hot start to the show.
Verdict: One And A Half Stars
Up next was a video package in which Matt Justice won ‘The Chalice’. It included highlights from a gym hall that appeared to have ten people in the crowd. Seriously, they had some knock-off Undertaker druids around the ring, and there was more of them than there were fans. Why include that? It’s fucking embarrassing.
The Mane Event (Duke Davis and Ganon Jones Jr) defeated oVe (Jake Crist and Dave Crist), La Familia de Tijuana (Bestia 666 and Damian 666), The Butcher and the Blade (Andy Williams and Pepper Parks) and The Crown (Alexander James and Jurn Simmons) to win the Blackcraft Tag Team Titles
I am baffled by the inclusion of The Crown in this match especially as no-one appeared to know who they were. One commentator’s pronunciation of Netherlands suggested he’d never heard of it before, and the other tried to proclaim they were a bit familiar with Alexander James, but then took a good thirty seconds to find his names in their notes.
Meanwhile, the match was like a shit battle royal where everyone paired off into a corner and punched each other. Then, out of nowhere, one of The Mane Event pinned one of Familia de Tijuana. Even the wrestlers looked surprised as this can’t have gone more than three minutes. What a joke.
Verdict: One Star
It sounded like there was a production meeting going on behind the commentators. I’m pretty sure I heard someone suggesting they nix the ‘Royal Rumble thing’.
Matthew Justice defeated Gangrel
I have heard nothing but good things about Gangrel in 2019. Everyone seems impressed with how hard he’s working despite being in a position where he could easily phone it in.
Sadly, the highlight of this match was one of the commentators saying Gangrel goes to bed early, then remembering that Gangrel is a vampire, and frantically trying to cover for his mistake. Never change indie wrestling.
It was better than the first two, but that’s not saying much. Justice and Gangrel ran through some basic as hell sequences before Justice got the win. Honestly, it was what I’d expect from Gangrel (who wasn’t an incredible wrestler in 1999), so I’m not going to give it a kicking, but I can’t praise it either.
Verdict: Two Stars
The Essence (Harlow O’Hara and Vipress) defeated Machiko San and Kimber Lee
Kimber Lee was replacing someone who couldn’t make it and looked massively out of place in her colourful gear. The Essence are Saraya Knight’s goons which has reminded me I’m going to have to watch a Saraya Knight match soon. Sigh.
These four upped the work rate by a factor of ten, and the crowd did not give a shit. Kimber Lee, in particular, was desperately trying to get people to care, doing a lot more than the people who booked this shit deserved (sorry, is it obvious I’ve taken against this whole thing? I’m not going to pretend it’s not this case). She still got pinned in no time at all, but at least she tried.
Verdict: Two And A Quarter Stars
We were tearing through matches at this point. I don’t have official times, but nothing went over five minutes. I can’t help thinking that the mock crucifixions and video packages could have been thrown out the window.
Simon Grimm defeated Penta El 0M
Now, this at least had the potential to be good. Grimm impressed me at Bloodsport and Penta is Penta. Oh no, it’s over. It was a fine sprint which on a show packed with longer matches would have been quite fun. Unfortunately, everything is a a sprint which meant nothing was a sprint. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either.
Verdict: Two And A Half Stars
Teddy Hart defeated Rey Fenix, Luchasaurus, Matt Cross, Dick Justice and a cunt to become the Number One Contender to the Blackcraft Heavyweight Title
Wrestling has an incredible ability to ignore scumbags, but people booking Mecha Wolf is disgusting even by the pathetically low standards we’ve set for ourselves. Fuck him and fuck this promotion for thinking that is at all alright. If this review were at all positive, I’d delete it because I don’t want to give any promotion that books him the attention. Anyone involved in that decision is a cunt.
Masato Tanaka defeated Chris Dickinson in a No DQ match
Right, surely this was be good?
Dickinson came into the match and decided he wanted to be Mike Awesome which was pretty much perfect. They beat the shit out of each other as Dickinson was fired up to be in the ring with a legend. On a show that barely deserved a Suplex, Tanaka and Dickinson went for Avalanche Falcon Arrows.
The Dirty Daddy would almost go too far in his determination to make it memorable. He dragged a couple of steel chairs out from under the ring and demanded they fight. Then the mental bastard practically begged Tanaka to smack him in the head, to the extent that Tanaka completely missed the first shot because he assumed Dickinson was going to move out of the way. I respect his dedication to being Mike Awesome, but I can’t say I approve of his methods.
Still, you can’t ignore the fact this was a fucking good fight. It was the first match on the show which grabbed me, and while some blame for that can be placed on what came before, Tanaka and Dickinson earned the credit. They killed each other to impress, and fair play to them for that.
Verdict: Three And A Half Stars
Saraya Knight defeated Maria Manic by countout
We need some context for this match. At this point, it was after 2 am on a day where most people would have seen at least two (if not more) wrestling shows already. If you were trying to convince them to care, what would you do? Was your answer a crowd brawl? Because if it wasn’t you’ll have to argue with the wrestling intelligence of whoever laid out this crap.
Look, I didn’t give a shit (which wasn’t helped by the camera not being able to catch 99% of it), and I was sitting at home watching it after a typical (if slightly drunken) day. I can’t imagine what those in attendance were thinking. After the brawl, Maria Manic got in a fight with The Essence and got counted out. Blackcraft is taking the piss with this shit.
Verdict: A Quarter Star
Johnny Blackcraft defeated David Starr to retain the Blackcraft Heavyweight Title
Saraya Knight’s music had barely finished when Starr was shoved through the curtain. The show had overrun by this point, and it was very obvious as they sped through the introductions. Bet they regretted booking Mr Nicknames at that point.
Shit, I knew they were running out of time, but this went less than thirty seconds. The bell rang, Blackcraft pinned Starr, and we are done. What a farce.
Verdict: Zero Stars
After the bell, Starr choked out Blackcraft, and that creepy Preacher is back as the fans chant bullshit (can’t blame them). FUCKING HELL! Matt Justice slit the cunt’s throat. That was his way of getting a title match. Surprisingly, it worked. Has anyone tried killing the booker before? That’s a new one.
Matt Justice defeated Johnny Blackcraft to win the Blackcraft Heavyweight Title
It went longer than the main event. That’s not a compliment.
Verdict: Zero Stars
Zicky Dice won the Baphomet Battle Royal
The bell rang, and people were throwing themselves over the top rope to get out of the ring. Justin Credible is here for some reason, and some idiot (a wrestler) threw a chair into a ring full of people. Fans were fleeing the building, and the wrestlers were following them. God bless Rory Gulak who made the effort to put a wrestling hold on while the commentators are complaining about being unable to see. Where the fuck were they?
Arik Cannon at least had fun. He stood on the apron and drank a beer which felt like the best way to deal with this shit. The camera then missed him hitting someone with the empty beer can because why the fuck wouldn’t it? As the match came to an end, you could hear someone behind the commentators begging for this to go home. I repeat, what a farce.
As the match finished, it became apparent that they were being kicked out of the venue. It’s not often I’ll say this, but let’s hope the cunts aren’t invited back next year.
I went into this with my expectations in the basement, and it still shocked me with how bad it was. If you’re like me and the idea of an atrocious wrestling show entices you as much as it pushes you away, please fight that temptation. It’s not worth it. Think of all the things I could have done instead. I’ve never seen Schindler’s List. I could have watched Schindler’s List. Watch Schindler’s List. It will probably leave you in a better mood.