WrestleMania 33 Predictions

Insert WWE related buzzword here.

Much like Christmas, WrestleMania weekend seems to get longer every year. We’ve already had Evolve 80 and Hornswoggle taking Grado to Suplex City, and we’re only just getting started. The big show is still a couple of nights away, but despite that, predictions must be predicted, and this is what I think will go down at WrestleMania.

Andre The Giant Battle Royale

I’m hoping this doesn’t happen.

The Battle Royale does a great job of getting everyone on the card, but I find it hard to give a shit. Strowman seems the obvious choice for a winner, but I’m going to go for Sami Zayn pulling off the upset and igniting a post-Mania push for himself.

Neville vs. Austin Aries

They’ll steal the pre-show at least.

The one upside to this being on the pre-show is that they might get the time to make an impact. Neville and Aries are brilliant, so if they are left to have a straight up match, this should, therefore, be brilliant. There’s only really two ways it can go. Neville winning by nefarious means or Aries taking the strap and I’m going to go with the later.

John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse

WWE’s true power couple.

Some people have issues with this match; I have none. There wasn’t a natural spot for any of these competitors and throwing them all together has been a lot of fun. With that said, it’s a real shame that Miz and Maryse will be taking the loss. They’re one of WWE’s best acts at the moment, and they deserve a big ‘Mania moment. With that said, Cena and Nikki are apparently planning on making their own if rumours of a proposal are correct.

Alexa Bliss (C) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Carmella vs. Natalya vs. Naomi vs. Mickie James in a Six-Pack Challenge for the SmackDown Women’s Title


I am delighted to see that fan protests may have got this bumped up to the main card. It’s ridiculous for WWE to claim all they claim about their treatment of women’s wrestling and then push one of their two ‘Mania matches to the pre-show. To be honest, it’s ridiculous that this match has as many competitors as it does but we can’t have everything. It does add the interesting wrinkle that I feel like nearly any of them could win. However, considering it’s in her home city and she has only made the show by the skin of her teeth I think it’s Naomi’s night.

Gallows and Anderson (C) vs. Enzo and Big Cass vs. Cesaro and Sheamus in a Ladder Match for the Raw Tag Team Title

The big men could steal the show.

This match doesn’t feel like a particularly big deal, and yet with the added ladder stipulation, it could be a show stealer. There are a lot of solid talents involved and one of the best in Cesaro, and I’m sure they can at least have Enzo jump off something tall. Sadly, I think the least talented team will walk out with the belts. Cass and Enzo’s story has been one of near misses in both NXT and on the main roster, so it’s probably their time. It’s just a shame that they’ve lost their shine and it’s not been built like the big deal it could have been.

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

Fuck this match.

I hate everything about this match. Just writing it down winds me up, so fuck knows what I’ll do when Styles has to sell for Super Shane. Will it be fun? Probably, but it doesn’t make up for wasting the best wrestler in the world. Shane will jump off the rollercoaster and Styles will win. I’ve nothing else to say.

Dean Ambrose (C) vs. Baron Corbin for the IC Title

The Lone Wolf rises.

These two have good chemistry, and I think this could be a good match. Corbin is set to be a major player in WWE going forward, and while he is far from perfect, he has come on leaps and bounds from his expressionless days in NXT. He’ll win here and in years to come it will be looked back on as a pivotal moment in the young heels career.

Chris Jericho (C) vs. Kevin Owens for the US Title

Friendship dies.

This is another potential show stealer. It’s also the best built match on the card. The former best friends have told a fantastic story over the last however many months, and they deserve their big WrestleMania moment. With that said, I think Owens needs to win and to win with dominance. All reports suggest that Jericho is off on the road with Fozzy post-Mania and Owens needs to go back to being the wrecking ball we all know he can be.

Seth Rollins vs. Triple H in a Unsanctioned Match

Fight! Fight! Fight!

This will be a good old-fashioned brawl, and I fully expect Samoa Joe and possibly Finn Balor to get involved. Seth and Triple H’s feud has been patchy at best with Hunter’s lack of appearances hurting it as Rollins seemed to forget about it for months, but they’ve finally got to the point that they wanted to be at a year ago. Let’s hope they can make up for lost time and that Triple H takes the fall and passes the torch to Rollins.

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

The end of the line for the Deadman?

Talking about passing the torch, Roman Reigns needs to win this match. I know that there is a large contingent of wrestling fans who despise the man but he’s good, and this is the rub he needs. Does he do it by turning heel? I bloody well hope so, but I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t. Triple H pulling the whole ‘isn’t he already a heel’ shtick gives me hope, though. It will hopefully also be a short match as ‘Taker can’t do anything longer anymore. He looks old, and I hope and pray this is his last WrestleMania moment.

Bayley (C) vs. Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax for the Raw Women’s Title

Less Nia and more of this, please.

I can’t look at this match without wondering what could have been. If WWE had repeated the Bayley storyline from NXT and this was her chance to finally win the big one it would have been a Daniel Bryan level of emotion. You can’t play with what you don’t have, though, so we’ll have to do. I honestly don’t know who wins this one. You could make a solid argument for all four women. With that in mind, I’m going with my heart and saying Bayley gets her moment, even if it’s not the moment it should have been.

Bray Wyatt (C) vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Title

It’s all a bit silly, isn’t it?

Wrestling storytelling says that Orton wins here and sadly I can’t see it going any other way. However, I’m going to cross my fingers and hope for a Wyatt victory. I’m not bothered by all the hocus pocus, I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either. Would Wyatt be better if he was a more flesh and blood cult leader? Of course, but we’re never going to get that. As long as WWE avoid inserting too much of the hocus or the pocus into the match, it should be a fun encounter.

Goldberg (C) vs. Brock Lesnar for the Universal Title

Well, it can’t be worse than last time, can it?

Lesnar pins Goldberg in under five minutes, and I finally get to go to bed.

Random Predictions

  • This show will go on for so long that the commentary booth will be reduced from ten men to one as they all lose their voices. Sadly that man will be Byron Saxton.
  • The McMahons will annoy me in some way.
  • Pitbull will be shit and Kevin Owens sadly won’t powerbomb him off a stage.
  • If Shane McMahon hurts Styles, the arena will hear my howl of rage from Scotland.
  • JBL will be a dick.
  • Roman Reigns winning will see several middle-aged wrestlings fans’ heads explode from anger. I will laugh.

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