As it is WrestleMania Weekend and I’m drunk, I’m bashing these reviews out and not really editing them (yes, I usually edit). If an incoherent ramble doesn’t interest you, don’t bother reading them.
It’s Joey Janela’s Spring Break Three and I have a beer. Need I say more? (I might just start all my reviews like that now).
The show opened with a small girl child going all Nick Gage and having just finished watching Orange Cassidy’s show that didn’t even register on the weirdness meter.
Marko Stunt defeated Joey Janela
Joey Janela is out first to a hero’s reception as he returns from his leg exploding. We then go to a rousing video package for Marko Stunt whose leg didn’t explode but did break. Looks like he’s back too!
I got distracted and forgot that I was writing a review, but Janela and Stunt are now having a chop battle while crowd surfing. It all started with Joey launching young Marko into the fans which nicely sums up how the action is going so far. The atmosphere is rabid by the way.
For two guys who were returning from serious injuries, this was insane. At one point Stunt leapt from the top rope to hit a Hurricanrana on Janela from the apron to the floor. They did not come down safely, and Stunt came up with a cut above his eye. Then we got Janela hitting an Avalanche Michinoku Driver which somehow wasn’t the finish.
Although, the finish did come from that move. Joey was so amazed that he didn’t get the three that he started arguing with the ref which gave Stunt time to recover. By the time Janela turned around, Stunt was able to roll him up and get the three. That was a surprisingly straight (and good) wrestling match.
Verdict: Fair play
Quick second to say that this feels a lot more organised than previous years. In fact, every GCW show I’ve watched has gone off without a hitch which they deserve credit for. The same has not been true for everyone.
Tony Deppen defeated No Legs (Dustin Thomas)
Tony Deppen is out moaning about not being booked. He’s challenged someone from the crowd and that challenge has been answered by someone with no legs. Tony Deppen is now beating up a legless man in a wheelchair. He’s picked him up and is carrying him to the ring. Now we’re in Spring Break territory.
So, the legless guy (we need a name for this guy) is getting a ‘let’s go no legs’ chant and just hit a legless 619. Yea, you read that right. Look up the GIF. I think I’ve found him on Google, his name is Dustin Thomas and there is an article about him making his debut last year.
Springboard 450 Splash from Thomas only gets a two! That was even more insane than the 619. Tony Deppen just won, but who the fuck cares. No Legs’ just got very full.
Verdict: No legs
Jungle Boy defeated Shane Mercer, Jake Atlas, A-Kid, Australian Suicide and Slim J
Ah, Jake Atlas is in this one. I watched him on the Cassidy show where he was fantastic, so that’s awesome. This is a packed match with the potential for some magic. Oh, Jungle Boy has been added to it and he gets a lovely reception. For those unaware, he’s the son of the late Luke Perry with this being his first match since his Dad’s death. Love to him.
It doesn’t take long for people to start flying around the ring. Even if I was taking these reviews seriously, I wouldn’t be able to cover half of what goes on here. Atlas is looking fantastic, though, and he’s becoming a new favourite.
Wait, Shane Mercer is holding Jungle Boy in a One-Armed Military Press while fending everyone else off with the other arm. He’s a big boy. Elsewhere, Jungle Boy is shining. I’ve never actually seen him wrestle before, but he’s a lot better than the name Jungle Boy suggests.
Mercer is now walking the top rope while holding Slim J in a fireman carry. That was stunning. He came off with a slam only for Australian Suicide to break it up with a Shooting Star Press. Shane Mercer has made himself a star in this one.
Jungle Boy gets the submission win. That’s a beautiful moment. He looks a bit overwhelmed as he hugs everyone else in the ring. All six guys impressed, and that’s a four-star plus match.
Verdict: Fuck It, Four and A Quarter Stars
Nick Gage defeated Shinjiro Otani to retain the GCW Heavyweight Title
Otani being Nick Gage’s favourite wrestler is crazy. Also, Hideki Suzuki appears to be at the show with Otani, and I’d love to hear what he thinks about this insanity.
Gage wrestling is quite a thing, and after doing it for a few minutes, he seemed to realise that it was a bad idea. We’ve got our first table. Not that Otani is scared of a fight. After Gage dared to Boot Wash him, Otani fired up and Suplexed Cage through the table. Now he’s teaching Nick how to wash. I didn’t click during the Cassidy show that Suzuki is the guy standing ringside taking a boot every time Otani does it. The commentators were oblivious to it on both shows it too so I won’t beat myself up.
Things ended abruptly when Cage rolled Otani up. I’m convinced at this point that Otani is carrying an injury. Both his matches have been quick and he hasn’t bumped in either. Still, it’s cool that he made the effort to come over and wrestle all the same.
Afterwards, Gage grabbed the mic and said that wrestling Otani in front of his people was the best day of his life before shaking Otani’s hand. Fair play to Gage, that was a cool moment, and the guy is over.
Verdict: Wash your face
The Invisible Man defeated Invisible Stan
Look, you all know that The Invisible Man defeating Invisible Stan was a five-star classic. You’ve heard the hype, and it’s all true, it was a masterpiece. How could it not be? Not after everything Stan did, the bastard.
So, rather than wasting my time trying to capture the uncatchable, I’m going to talk about Bryce Remsburg. I know, I know, it’s weird to talk about the ref, but with his Bad Boy Glasses, he put on a masterclass of refereeing. You could have taken the competitors out of the ring, and he would still have told the story via his reactions. Remsburg put out that rare performance that saw a ref elevate the action around him. I guess you need everyone to be on point when you’re putting on a six-star classic.
One final stroke of genius was Hideki Suzuki joining in to catch Stan and Man when they came off the balcony with a Spanish Fly. Once again, I am fascinated to know what he thinks about this. Does he speak English? Did he understand what was going on? Either answer would be perfect.
The finish came when Stan went through a table (yes, really) and this was a seven-star classic. I hope Remsburg made a lot of money over the weekend because he’s been genuinely brilliant.
Verdict: Bryce The Man
Taka Michinoku defeated Orange Cassidy
Taka vs Cassidy is one of those matches you never knew you wanted until it was happening right in front of you and you realise it’s genius.
Because in many ways, Taka was the perfect straight man for Orange. From his bemusement at Cassidy keeping his hands in his pocket to his failed attempt to poke Freshly Squeezed in the eye while he was still wearing his sunglasses. Michinoku gets this shit, and he played along brilliantly.
He’d go onto win the match, but the real prize was the laughs we had along the way. Or something like that. I don’t know. I laughed a lot.
Verdict: Sunglasses (I’m just saying random words now)
Virgil defeated Ethan Page in the Final Fight for Ethan Page’s Soul and Dignity as a Human Being
Page cut a promo abusing the crowd, was rolled-up by Virgil in a morph suit and lost his soul. He then cut another promo saying that if he had to agent the Clusterfuck it was going to be the craziest Clusterfuck of all time. That all happened.
Masashi Takeda defeated Jimmy Lloyd in a deathmatch
I have been calling for some murder all weekend, and it is finally going to happen. The light tubes are out and away we go! Jimmy is already bleeding. Oh wait, so is Takeda! I LOVE THIS SHIT!
There is no way to cover this. Jimmy Lloyd is coated in his blood, most of which is his, while people in the crowd are fleeing light tube shards. Holy shit, Jimmy Lloyd just had to pull a pair of scissors, OUT OF HIS CHEST! WHAT THE FUCK! Takeda might be the master, but Jimmy Lloyd is making himself a legend in this one.
Also, in amongst all this lunacy, they’re having a decent match. It swings from murdering to strong style. Oh shit, here’s the weed whacker. Jimmy Lloyd just got whacked, and this cunt has a deathwish. He’s my new favourite wrestler, I mean, he just kicked out at one after a load more insanity. The fans are shitting themselves with joy.
You have to see this. It was stunning in its violence. Haha, Jimmy Lloyd and Takeda are celebrating by smashing light tubes over their heads and having a hug. What a perfect way to end.
Best Spring Break yet and it’s not even close. It had everything from the lunacy of Stan vs Man to the lunacy of the scramble to the lunacy of the main event. We talk about WrestleMania struggling to live up to NXT, but Night Two of these shenanigans has a tough task now.
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