As it is WrestleMania Weekend and I’m drunk, I’m bashing these reviews out and not really editing them (yes, I usually edit). If an incoherent ramble doesn’t interest you, don’t bother reading them.
I have a beer and Orange Cassidy Is Doing Something, Or Whatever, Who Knows??? Do I need to say anything else?
Orange Cassidy is in the ring and has picked a ring announcer out of the crowd. This is pretty much the perfect way to start this show. Everyone knows he is a plant, but it’s worth it for the mild laughs.
Allie Kat defeated Shotzi Blackheart, Kris Statlander and Saraya Knight in an Elimination Match to become The Undisputed Queen of the Swamp
We have a load of swamp monsters working as lumberjacks. Meanwhile, the winner of this match is being crowned Queen of the Swamp. Does Allie Kat think she is a cat by the way? Is that the gimmick? Why am I questioning any of this? It’s no weirder than everyone pretending they care about Saraya Knight now because someone made a good film. Sadly, she’s not Lena Headey.
Thankfully, she didn’t hang around long which is probably the only reason she agreed to take part in the match. She spent the whole thing wandering around with a face like a skelped arse. The Swamp Monsters turned out to be rather more pleasant, as they got involved by helping people out. Why don’t more lumberjacks do that? I want wholesome lumberjacks to become a thing.
Allie Kat won to become the official Undisputed Queen of the Swamp. That can be added to the million dollars she won the day before. She’s having a fantastic weekend.
Verdict: Wholesome Swamp Monsters
Chris Brookes defeated Logan Easton Laroux in a Seven Out Of Thirteen Falls match
I’ve somehow missed CCK all weekend, so here’s my chance to say that it’s lovely to have Lykos back. They were also over as all hell in the building.
The first fall didn’t take long as Brookes kicked this other guy in the balls (I’ve genuinely forgotten his name, fingers crossed someone says it soon). Oh, there’s the second fall, Lykos came in and also kicked him in the balls. That’s 2-0 to… Logan! Someone said it.
Brookes locked him in an Octopus straight afterwards and Logan Easton Laroux (I’m writing it all out so I can remember it), tapped instantly. This is better paced than Cole vs Gargano. Holy shit, they just did the trading flash pins spot, but nearly every pin was a three. I have no idea what the score is. Wait, they announced it, it’s 6-6.
I looked away for a second and Bryce has a Lykos mask stuck on his head. LAROUX GETS THE VISUAL PINFALL! It’s a god damn tragedy. He’s reversed a Sick Fucking Tag Move with a ball shot. Now Brookes is pulling an Eddie off a fake ball shot. Remsburg is not buying it! That’s why he’s WrestleMania Weekend’s MVP. Brookes rolls up the toff for the three! I don’t think I ever got round to mentioning Laroux is a toff. You should have figured it out. Christ, what a delightful farce that was.
Verdict: Ballshots for everyone
Jigsaw defeated Air Wolf, Tony Deppen, Jake Atlas, Dan Champion, Sonny Defarge and Lucky 13
The winner of the scramble gets a $16 gift card for Friendly’s. I have no idea who Friendly is or what the establishment he owns is like, but the card was supposed to have $20 on it, so someone was taking advantage of their position.
Sonny Defarge is either flashing people in the audience or trying to sell them something out of his jacket. Wait, I can confirm he has clothes on. That is a relief. This is one random collection of wrestlers. By which I mean I have no idea who most of them are. God, I hope no-one reading this requires a serious review.
Jake Atlas and Tony Deppen have started this one quick. Atlas is one of those I hadn’t heard of, but he looks good. Oh, now Jigsaw and Air Wolf are in the ring, so that was amazing. I’m fascinated to see what Defarge does. He’s got to be a Chikara guy, right? I’m Googling that. Yup, got it in one. Sadly, he appears to be neither amazing enough or shit enough for me to care.
I can officially confirm that Dan Champion is a beast. Not in the paedo sense of the word either. This match is chaos. I’m not sure how, but this is brilliant. If Atlas is an unknown, then this should be a star-making performance. He’s fantastic.
Jigsaw wins and (I can’t quite believe I’m saying this) you kind of have to watch this match.
Session Moth Martina and Nate Webb fought to a draw in a 5 O’Clock Somewhere Match
The wrestlers have to drink a beer every thirty seconds and here’s Nate Webb so if you don’t like Wheatus grab yourself a drink. Wait, you’re not watching this live, are you? In fact, you’re not watching it at all. Well, you might be. I don’t know. What are you doing? Jesus Christ, Stuart.
These two have come out swinging like last orders have been called, and someone knocked over their pint. This is a total shambles. Give me a few minutes then I’ll decide if that’s a good thing or not.
Nate Webb has set up two chairs which led to them slugging it out. Webb then smashed a beer over Martina’s head which is a disgraceful waste of alcohol. I’ve been to New York, and it is not cheap there. Now he’s spitting beer too! I pity everyone who has to follow this match. Not for quality, but that ring is going to be sticky.
They both hit lariats at the same time leading to a double pin, so everybody wins. They’re now having a dance and a drink with Bryce. How lovely. Was that good? I don’t have a clue.
Team Faye Jackson defeated Team Veda Scott
We’re playing dodgeball right down to having two people pick teams. It’s Team Veda Scott vs Team Faye Jackson. I don’t want to be mean, but it’s probably a good thing that most of these people are playing dodgeball rather than wrestling.
MJF is super enthusiastic, so it’s set-up for him to be picked last. He’s selling it like a fucking champ to be fair to him. Oh wait, there’s an odd number, so MJF isn’t getting picked full stop. He’s gutted and is now taking the balls hostage. They’re his balls, and he’s going home. Fuck, that better not mean we’re getting an actual match. I don’t want that. Haha, the fans are booing the fact they’re having a match and chanting wrestling sucks. With this lot involved it probably will.
The match was nowhere near as awful as I expected it to be. They even managed to get the crowd back onside which looked unlikely when the bell rang. Also, it’s weird how a mesh bib makes being topless look seedy. We got some stupid sexy dancing from YUTA who was having a lovely time. Oh, we have a dodgeball! Boo, why are they still wrestling?
It ended when the Team Jackson all locked on submissions at the same time. That was better than it had any right to be.
Verdict: Dodgeball’s Real
Fucking hell, here’s Teddy Hart and his cat. It can’t be worse than the shit show he and Davey Boy put on with LAX. He 100% drugs Mr Velvet by the way. That poor cat is spaced out.
What the fuck is happening? Teddy Hart appears to have turned into a motivational speaker. He has a book and is talking about how old men still like pussy. I don’t know if it’s hilarious or tragic. Is he going to read from the book? I don’t know. Orange Cassidy is out to hug Mr Velvet.
Fuck, now Teddy is reading the book while Cassidy is corpsing like crazy. There is a ‘read forever’ chant, the world is no longer real and we should just shut the whole thing down now. Holy shit, he threw the cat in the air. Thank fuck he caught it. That poor thing.
Shinjiro Otani defeated Jonathan Gresham
We’re somehow going from that to Otani vs Gresham. How the fuck is that a thing? I’m also totally not in the right mindset to review what has the potential to be a fantastic match.
So, I won’t bother going into detail. Gresham and Otani worked a sprint with the technical wrestling quickly devolving into a big old fight. In the end, after what couldn’t have been more than five minutes, Otani got the win a Powerbomb. Rumours coming into the weekend suggested that he was injured, so perhaps that played a part in it being so short? Either way, it was fun while it lasted.
Beretta defeated Chuckie T in a one minute time limit match
Chuck and Trent spent so long posturing that they had only just got around to locking up when the time limit expired. What a classic. We’ve got a five-second expansion, and Trent has rolled him up for the win. I call shenanigans! We were at least three seconds in when the pinfall started! Chuck tried to bring that up with Remsburg, and Bryce just took Dustin out with a Head Scissors! On yersel, Remsburg.
Verdict: Match of the year
We now have a load of wrestlers dancing around the ring while we set up for the death match. I’d point out that this was weird, but, well, have you read what I’ve been writing about?
Nick Gage defeated Ultramantis Black in a Christmas Tree Deathmatch
It did not take long for Ultramantis Black to be wrapped up in barbed wire. If Nick Gage were a good wrestler, he’d be one of the greats. He’s got everything apart from the ability. Anyway, they’re brawling in the crowd, and this is not very Christmassy.
Here’s a thing. I’ve got quite into deathmatch wrestling this year. Let’s not pretend I’m an expert, but Japan seems to have a fantastic crop of wrestlers that put on matches which aren’t like this one. This one reminds me why most people think its shit. It’s been slow and boring which considering they both have tacks sticking out of them and are probably in agony, is a real shame. You could write down the spots, and it would sound cool, but watching it? Not so much.
Nick Gage won with a Choke Breaker before MJF appeared and clocked him with a chair. He’s still angry about the dodgeball, so he’s ranting about that and the show. Oh, here’s Mr Freshly Squeezed, but MJF discovers he’s there before he executes his sneak attack. Orange Mist! Choke Breaker from Gage and an Ultramantis Bomb from, well, Ultramantis Black. Now, somehow, Nick Gage, Orange Cassidy and Ultramantis Black are standing in the ring wearing sunglasses. That more than made up for the match.
Verdict: It does not feel like Christmas
A crazy, ridiculous show that made no sense. Do not watch this sober, I suspect it would be bad for your health.