Stardom Tokyo Cyber Squad Produce (6/5/19) Review

Credit: Stardom

Our final Golden Week show saw our future overlords, Tokyo Cyber Squad take the book and give themselves the chance to win some cash in the main event. Who needs titles when you can top up the Korean BBQ fund?

Jungle Kyona won the 2019 Janken Tournament

Janken is Rock, Paper, Scissors but this tournament felt a bit like an excuse for the Stardom roster to dress up again. We had STARS as Disney Princesses, Toni Storm going full Murder Grandpa and Oedo Tai as what I think was One Piece characters? I might be wrong on that. Then Tokyo Cyber Squad went Toy Story while Queen’s Quest had a Doraemon theme.

As has been the themes with these games, this was a delight. I’ve been avoiding going in-depth on them because it’s never as funny watching a joke that you’ve already had explained to you, but I smiled my whole way through. While it’s not even close to being wrestling, if you’re the kind of person that likes a bit of silliness, you’ll have a lovely time.

Verdict: Good clean fun

After the tournament Hana, Konami and Jungle opened the show while still dressed-up. They read through the card and announced that Kaori Yoneyama is now Death Yama-san, which sounds fucking awesome. Finally, we got their uplifting message that ‘everyone is different, everyone is good’ and off we go!

STARS (Arisa Hoshiki and Starlight Jus) defeated STARS (Saya Iida and Hanan), Queen’s Quest (Hina and Leo Onozaki) and Tokyo Cyber Squad (Rina and Ruaka)

Hoshiki and Kid worked their arses off in this one as they started the match and ran the gauntlet of rookies. They bumped around for all three teams, eating a shitload of dropkicks before putting them each away in turn. It was a total pro performance from two great workers.

Of course, any match with this many inexperienced wrestlers is going to have its sloppy moments, but this was still an entertaining opener that kept Hoshiki hot ahead of her shot at Momo. Lovely stuff.

Verdict: Three Stars

Bea Priestley defeated Momo Watanabe and Rebel Kel in a Three-Way-Battle

One of these things is not like the other. Jokes aside, Rebel Kel has improved throughout her tour in Japan, but this match highlighted her shortcomings. She was in control for a lot of the action, and despite towering over Bea and Momo, her offence was the least impactful of the three. She hit some splashes into the corner where it looked like she was afraid to hurt them. Someone needs to take her under their wing and teach her how to use her size to her advantage.

Still, it was an entertaining enough match. Bea and Momo had a kick-off which was quite fun before Priestley got the win with that Belly to Back Northern Lights she does. Has she got a name for it? I should probably find out.

Verdict: Two And Three Quarter Stars

Oedo Tai (Andras Miyagi and Natsuko Tora) defeated STARS (Tam Nakano and Saki Kashima)

I praised Arisa and Kid for working hard in the opener, but Tam came out here and blew them away. She spent the vast majority of this match in the ring being worked over by Oedo Tai and firing up for comebacks only to be prevented from making the tag. It was a fantastic showing from her and a friendly reminder that while she’s not involved in anything major at the moment, she’s always ready to go when tapped on the shoulder.

Eventually, Kashima got tagged in causing this to break down in the final minutes with everyone getting involved (which meant Tam didn’t even get a chance to have a rest on the apron). It was a fun scramble to the victory as both teams looked like they had it at various points only for Andras’s Spinning Tombstone to ultimately prove the difference. It was another fun match elevated by one big performance.

Verdict: Three And A Quarter Stars

Toni Storm defeated Konami

Toni’s series of matches with some of Stardom’s best continued as she stepped into the ring with Konami. She would have probably been quite happy to take it easy, but around the time Konami started kicking her poor Storm will have realised that wasn’t an option.

Despite enjoying that kicking, I’m not entirely sure what to say about this match. It was well-wrestled, but I could not give a flying fuck about it. Why? I honestly don’t know. For whatever reason, I found myself staring at the screen totally uninterested in what was going on. Konami and Storm were doing things that I should have enjoyed, but it got nothing out of me.

Perhaps it’s the fact that Toni’s Stardom matches don’t seem to have a point or maybe I was just in the wrong mood. If it were a main-event or a title fight, I’d go back and rewatch, but it wasn’t so I probably won’t. There is every possibility you will enjoy this match, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t for me.

Verdict: I’m going Three Stars because it wasn’t bad and it’s not their fault my brain couldn’t be arsed.

Tokyo Cyber Squad (Hana Kimura, Jungle Kyona and Kaori Yoneyama) defeated Oedo Tai (Kagetsu, Hazuki and Natsu Sumire)

Holy shit, Death Yama-san is terrifying. She’s all corpse painted up and has become a thing of nightmares. Meanwhile, this match featured a cash prize hanging above the ring which had to be pulled down to win. On top of that, if you went over the top rope, got pinned or submitted, you were no longer able to go for the prize. Got all of that? It’s basically an elimination ladder match without the ladders.

Coming into this, TCS have won every cash prize on offer as part of the Golden Week fun and were determined to complete the sweep. Hana also appears to have started arming our recruits with light-up weaponry. Combine that with their movement into the extreme metal market, and I think it’s fair to say that my prediction of them becoming our future (and rightful) overlords draws a little bit closer every day.

As for what was going on in the ring while there have undoubtedly been many better wrestling matches, there isn’t a lot that I’ve had more fun watching. Everything about this was joyous as they went out and had all the fun. From the harebrained schemes they concocted to try and get to the prize to Yoneyama playing every drunk person to ever wander into a pit as she stood throwing the horns even as Oedo Tai beat the shit out of her, I loved it all. Any match that features Jungle Kyona crashing and burning after leaping from the top rope to try and grab something hanging above the centre of the ring is alright be me.

In the end, TCS would complete their sweep. Hana clambered onto Jungle’s shoulders and reached up to snatch down their prize. After producing something as wonderful as this, they deserve it.

Verdict: Four Stars

In their closing promo Kimura declared that she’s no longer interested in ‘Stardom’s Dog, Kagetsu’ before calling out Mayu ‘hospital girl’ Iwatani and challenging for the Artist of Stardom Titles. Mayu was unwilling to enter the ring with Yoneyama in there (can’t blame her for that), but explained she couldn’t wrestle at the moment. Kimura then called for Mayu to return the belts before Jungle (rather more politely) and Konami backed her up. Mayu reiterated that she wasn’t ready to return leaving Hana to tell Rossy that they should give up their belts and TCS to close out the show.

Overall Show

Another great Produce show from Stardom. All four of these have delivered on entertainment and have been a joy to watch. There was a party atmosphere running through this week which was easy to get caught up in. As for the booking, well, Tokyo Cyber Squad have given Yoneyama the greatest gimmick of all time and put together that main event, so they get a 9/10 putting them into first place, STARS in second and QQ/Oedo Tai joint for third.

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